RENT for Rent
by Pernicia
Summary: Why is a strip dancer knocking on Roger's dressing room door, and why is Mark never there when it happens? Why did Joanne need Harvard to DJ, and why is Santa Fe center of the universe? And why did Maureen marry Benny? The RENT is due. Parody with lyrics!
1. Sign My Playbill

**Disclaimer: **Christmas Bells are ringing… but, sadly, my parents did not get me the rights to RENT. *sighs*

**Notes: **First off, Merry Christmas too all of you who celebrate! I know, I should really be parodying Christmas Bells, but the genius of that song is beyond me.

So, if you're reading this and are a new reader- keep reading! Although this is like my parody of Spring Awakening in format, none of the plot carries over. In the later chapters, there will be a few mentions of Glee (since this is a lead-in to my Glee parody), but again, if you even vaguely know what the show is about (teenagers who sing- there, that's settled) you'll understand. I won't be doing the entire musical, just seven songs, but every character will be featured in at least one song. Feel free to make requests but it's unlikely I'll be able to fit them in. (If you like it, though, you can check out Forbidden Broadway's RENT parodies, if you can find them. I won't be doing any of those songs either.)

Know that, along with Spring Awakening, Wicked, and Bare (all of which I will be in some way parodying someday), RENT is my favorite musical. I'm only poking fun at it, but it's only because I love it so much.

The first song (in case you can't tell by the title) is "Light My Candle." Like SM, all the songs will feature the actors that are playing the characters but, through working with the characters, have pretty much become their characters. (Hence they're labeled by their character name. It's almost as if the characters are playing themselves. I'm not at all suggesting Adam Pascal and Daphne Rubin-Vega have AIDS, or Idina Menzel hates her husband for trying to stop her protest.)

I really shouldn't need to say this, but this is based off of the BROADWAY MUSICAL RENT, not the movie, though there may be some mentions. So all of the actors are from the OBC cast. Oh, and it's RENT, do I need to put a disclaimer for slight adult content during parts?

**Scene One: Sign My Playbill**

Mark: Hi. I'm Mark. And that's my dressing roommate, Roger. It's been a year since we joined the national touring cast of RENT, and he has _never _left his role. The A word has become the equivalent of Mac-

Roger: *prepares a spitoon*

Mark (hastily): Donald's. *nervous laughter* You know, because we hate anything greasy. One, because Grease totally tries to steal from our sales, and two, because how could actors like us tell people to dream the impossible dream if it wasn't something impossible, like weighing less than 180 pounds!

Offstage Fan: I don't get it. How could you do "Light My Candle" without Mimi's A-word?

Mark: No, no, not that A-word, I mean Adam...

Roger: *breaks guitar string*

Mark: Adamantly. Anyway, so we're broke, broken up, and most likely going to be breaking into our dressing room in somewhere in Act Two, since Benny's threaten to evict us from our dressing room. Something about being late to RENT… *shrugs* Hey, Roger, I don't suppose you'd like to go to the cast party tonight? Or *coughs* just out tonight?

Roger: Zoom in on m…

Mark: *zooms in*

Roger: Never mind.

Mark: Come on, we could use a designated driver! *coughs* I mean, it'll be fun! So what if your girlfriend dies every night? It's not like she stays dead! And… wait, aren't you married or something?

(Roger pulls out his guitar and starts playing painfully out of tune notes until Mark runs away. Then, he sulks for a while until he hears a knock at the door.)

Roger (muttered): Stupid fans…

Roger (opening door):

This isn't RENT!

(Instead of a lost ticket holder, he finds some hot girl dressed like she just got home from work at some nightclub who is thrusting a program at him.)

Mimi:

Wanna sign?

Roger:

You know me?

You're Bohemian.

Mimi:

I'm nothing

Without all my bling.

I was just a little freak,

Now I'm chic.

Would you sign my playbill?

What are you staring at?

Roger:

Nothing.

Mimi (offended): Nothing?

Roger:

Your hair and the blue tights-

The look's familiar.

And you take it.

Mimi:

Just havin' dreams about those days,

At least now you're still touring Off-Broadway.

What?

Roger:

Nothing!

Mimi (desperate): Nothing at all?

Roger: Are you high or something?

Mimi: Well, technically…

Roger:

Your style reminded me of…

Mimi:

I always remind people of-

Which Mimi?

Roger:

She died.

And came back each show.

Mimi:

You got a pen?

Sorry 'bout your ex.

Would you sign my playbill?

Roger:

To sell?

Mimi:

Rent.

Ouch!

Roger: What now?

Mimi: Paper cut. *thrusts bloody program at him*

Roger: Goddamnit, woman! Now I've got AIDS!

Mimi: What a coincidence, so do I!

Roger: It's not coincidence, it's…

Mimi: I know. RENT.

Roger:

Shows with sex…

They're-

Mimi:

Gripping.

I like all the scenes with-

Roger:

Singers

That dig girls.

Oh, hell.

Good night.

(Roger retreats back to safety and into his dressing room. Mimi stares emptily at his signature on the playbill and realizes he signed right over the picture that should have been hers: Lexi Lawson. She rips it up in jealous rage and burns it with her candle prop, which would have set off the fire alarm had Benny not blown the power. After retrieving an old playbill starring herself, she knocks on his door after what seems like only a second.)

Roger: No one's home!

Mimi: Pizza delivery!

Roger: Cool! *opens door* I thought Halloween in Act II.

Mimi (seductively): Right after Contact, babe…

Roger (changing the subject):

You forgot your pen?

Mimi:

No, I think that I want some cash!

Roger:

That's bull!

I mean, you're sure to sell out,

With that program you've got.

(Ashes fall from Mimi's fingers. Roger realizes Mimi wasn't kidding when she said the wax burned her fingers.)

Roger:

Or maybe not.

Mimi:

No, really,

We'll have a trendy walk-through encore!

We'll be stars!

They'll all pawn for more.

Roger (spoken):

Um, more?

Mimi:

They say that I had the best rasp

Of all the Mimi's.

Is it true?

Roger:

Huh?

Mimi:

You're very unread.

Roger:

Oh, no, I mean, who? You?

That's not very nice!

I mean,

Hey, look, there's Lexi!

*waves through window, which they evidently have in dressing rooms*

Mimi (sullenly):

She's your new girlfriend?

Roger:

Like some pedophile?

No, the score and scenes are acted out.

Mimi:

Where've you been? Dude, our cast back then

Had more than fake romance.

*thrusts new playbill at him*

Sign the book!

Roger:

Yes!

If just to shut you up!

Mimi:

Are you kidding?

Roger:

How should I recognize you from other fans, hon?

Mimi:

Would you sign the playbill?

Oh, come join my revival!

(She gestures emphatically at her program to drop the hint: she's gonna play in this year's RENT, and a cast reunion is fourteen years overdue.)

Roger:

*glances at playbill*

Why don't you Craigslist this junk?

It's, like, from the 60's.

Mimi:

The 90's!

I look older when onstage,

We were forced to seem mad.

Roger:

Well, duh, all porn shows are bad.

I'm used to fangirls like that.

Mimi:

I -no, we've met, I told-

Roger:

I'm used to sluts.

Mimi:

I got a role!

Roger:

Uh-huh, I used to be a punk, see.

Mimi:

And now and then, it's nice to-

Roger:

Shut up.

Mimi:

Be hood!

Roger (spoken):

I hear ya…

Mimi (spoken):

I'm cast?

Roger (spoken):

Just, uh, ask the director.

Mimi:

Would you sign the playbill?

Oh, where'd you sign my old playbill?

(Roger flips through the pages until he finds one he likes- otherwise his name wouldn't be printed there, right?)

Roger:

This is the cast list?

Mimi:

Taye, Idina- yup.

Thank Jon, it's just you.

Roger:

Hey, we were hot!

And who's that doll?

The one with vinyl blue pants-

She looks sweet!

Mimi:

God, you're dumb.

*eyes widen at picture*

God, I'm _young_.

(Inevitably, since they're both holding the program, their hands touch.)

Roger:

Old plans…

Mimi:

Made new.

We'll be big.

When on Broadway.

Wanna dance?

Roger (suggestively):

My room?

Mimi:

No!

*slaps him*

When on Broadway!

Roger:

As Roger.

Mimi:

NCY,

They'll all see-

DAPHNE!

(She snatches the pay contract dangling out of his back pocket and bolts to the exit, leaving him wondering at the OBC cast revival he unwittingly agreed to. Or did he?)

Roger (calling after her): Hey, do I know you?

* * *

**There were a few offbeat parts, but sometimes you have to sacrifice perfection for plot. I know it doesn't even come close to meeting Jonathan Larson's standards, but I'd appreciate reviews on if it worked or not. Merry Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-It-That's-Not-Religiously-Specific! Tune in next week- feel free to guess the featured characters and song.**


	2. TV: Show Glee

**Disclaimer: **No rights to RENT again… well, maybe next year, or when?

**Notes:** This chapter parodies the Tango: Maureen with the TV: Show Glee. It's more Idina-centric than Glee-centric, so you don't need to know much about Glee to understand it. (I'm assuming people know Idina was on Glee.) I'm super inspired since I just finished watching RENT: Filmed Live on Broadway (which was absolutely in amazing, especially compared to the movie). Of course, it made me realize anymore that my work paled in comparison, but even Jonathan Larson started somewhere, right?

**Scene Two: TV: Show Glee**

(The mileage on Mark's bicycle is really bad, so by the time he arrives at the cast party, he finds that it's long over. A DJ stand is being set up for the next event by a black woman who looks strikingly familiar…)

Joanne: MARK?

Mark: AIIIEEE! *coughs* I said, hi?

Joanne: What are you doing here?

Mark: Um… cast reunion?

Joanne (dubiously): Yeah, right.

(Mark's cell phone rings.)

Mark's Answering Machine: SPEAK!

Roger's Voice: Um… it's me… some strip dancer broke into our apartment…

Mark (muttered): Why am I always gone when these things happen?

Roger's Voice: And, uh, so, there's this cast reunion revival thingy we're all supposed to perform in, so… GAH! SHE'S WRITING SOMETHING ON OUR WINDOW! HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF TEXTING, WOMAN? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU- _Beep_.

Joanne (skeptically): Cast reunion?

Mark: *folds arms* Told ya. What are _you_ doing here?

Joanne: Stage managing or something.

Mark: *stares*

Joanne: Well, I didn't go to Harvard for nothing, did I?

Mark: That's Maureen!

Joanne: Yeah, I thought so too at first, but turns out, I'm actually quite good at it…

Mark: No, on TV- that's MAUREEN!

(Mark points to a conveniently placed television, where Maureen is in the process of passionately kissing some choir teacher- a Broadway veteran by the name of Will Schuster.)

Mark and Joanne: *stares*

Joanne: This is _weird_…

Mark: It's weird…

Joanne: _Very_ weird…

Mark: Eff my life!

(He accidentally trips on the DJ stand and hits the play button. A strangely familiar tune starts playing…)

Joanne:

I'm fine with shows like Fame,

Just on cable!

Mark:

It ruins Broadway!

To compete

With TV's?

Joanne (glum):

Rest, RENT, in peace!

Mark (desperate):

While Maureen gets cash.

(They brood.)

Joanne:

That's Maureen!

Mark:

On Glee.

Joanne:

How could she?

Mark:

*Censored jeers!*

Joanne (on a rant):

I'm so mad!

I'm alone while she's with Schue!

Playing with auto-tune,

Singing "Over the Moon,"

And in Hollywood, snogging some dude!

Mark:

Well, you shouldn't complain!

I'm a guy; she chose Taye!

And lip-syncing

While Gleeking

On TV!

Joanne:

Well, I'm flattered, but Rapp-

Mark:

Freddi, this show is whack!

It's called

The TV show Glee.

The TV show Glee!

Lame show arcs, Rachel Berry renowned.

Those Gleek freaks, they sang things!

Joanne (irritated):

Pop songs.

Mark:

Top charts, they are breaking!

Joanne:

Folks hate RENT, but Glee…

Mark:

And they toss all young jerks

In this show while us nerds

Have to earn while the turnout goes down.

Joanne:

I think this show needs to cease!

Both:

The TV show Glee!

Mark:

'Cause they never write their own hits,

They steal their… music.

Joanne:

Clever!

Mark:

And they never stop at kiss or two…

Joanne:

Oh, shit- Maureen!

Maureen moons, so the audience adores…

Mark:

They all pine!

She's the "hot chick!"

Joanne:

While I'm tuned out by all the boys…

Mark:

And she whines!

Joanne:

And yet she got rich!

(Their eyes meet…)

Joanne: No. Way. Just because I'm left with her scraps doesn't mean I need to pick them up.

Mark: Actually, you drop me. Oh, wait, I forgot, you were too old to be in the movie…

Joanne: *steps forward to reveal her high heels* Bring it, baby!

(They start to awkwardly tango in a way that makes it seem more like they're having a catfight.)

Mark: Where'd you learn how to dance?

Joanne: I majored while in Harvard Law, obviously. And you?

Mark: Um… Scene Twenty-Three, on a dinner table at the Life Café. *runs into wall* Gah! It's hard to do this backwards!

Joanne: Suck it up.

Joanne:

She gleeked it!

Mark:

With freak kids!

Joanne:

Maureen gleeked it!

Mark:

Sucky pop hits!

Joanne:

Time to beat it!

Who could live up? Bye, ciao!

Mark:

God, she took every limelight

Without any fight.

Joanne:

I'd snog or I'd kill her right now!

Both:

With your pants, underpants,

You call that romance?

She'll get an advance, and you'll bawl!

Mark:

And you'll sink into hell.

Joanne:

While her dang show does well!

Both:

'Cause Glee roles have fame overhauls.

The TV show Glee!

Drop your pants to get teens all to view!

In the end, Justin Bieber

Is such an over-achiever!

'Cause the trends for the young

Will spew wads of income

'Cause they'd hung over drugs, sex, and nudes!

Mark:

Why'd she corrupt our TV?

Joanne:

And cheat our virginity?

Mark (cried):

You too?

Joanne:

*stares*

Mark (totally lying):

Pysch!

Joanne:

Like on Glee…

(The echoes sound like "he, he, he…" which can either be interpreted as laughter or every single guy Maureen's ever slept with. Gulping, Mark and Joanne check out Mr. Schue.)

Mark (accidentally-out-loud): Am I supposed to be straight in this?

Joanne (not listening): Am I…? *realizes what Mark said* Wait a sec…

(They breathe deeply in time for one last lament…)

Both:

The TV show Glee!

(Suddenly, they realize they hate each other.)

Joanne: Ew! Why am I dancing with you? I'm not even straight!

Mark: Me neither! I mean, the ew part… what am I saying?

Joanne (shouting at the TV): STUPID AUTO-TUNE! I'll bet even Mark's documentary gets more views than this junk! The one about his inability to hold an…

Mark (interrupting): Um, yeah, well, only 'cause I used Roger as a model.

Joanne: What's your screen name on YouTube again?

Mark: I thought you were lesbian!

Joanne: And I thought you weren't!

Mark: That doesn't even make sense!

Joanne: Yeah, well, you blaming Idina dumping you for me for Taye for Schue because of Glee doesn't make sense either! It wasn't even invented yet!

Mark: Yeah, well… neither were you!

Joanne: Hey, what did you think of the whole Jesse thing?

Mark: Super hot! He's more of a man than Finn ever will be and more of a woman than… wait a sec…

Joanne: *blinks*

Mark: You watch Glee?

Joanne: You watch it?

Both: BUT IT'S RUINING BROADWAY!

Mark:… and what is with Kurt hitting on his stepbrother?

Joanne: I mean, PUH-LEASE! That's like SO fictionpress WIP!

(They both pout.)

Mark: Humph. I'll bet _Idina's _jealous of _us_.

Joanne: Yeah! Even Justin Bieber got himself a crappy guest role on some popular TV show, and do you think he could play a lesbian onstage?

Mark: Well…

Joanne: And why does he always seem to come up when talking about music?

Mark (dreamily): You know, I'll bet Maureen will be at the cast reunion.

Joanne (dreamily): Yeah…

(They both stare longingly at Mark's bike before…)

Both (shouted): SHOTTY!

(They spend the next hour arguing how anyone can sit shotgun on a bike. Mark ends up pushing Joanne on the handle bars while she calls her father back to explain why those poor unwed mothers in Harlem probably wouldn't like her solution of lesbianism anyway.)

**

* * *

So… I love reviews almost as much as I love (fill in a RENT character- even Benny if he's played by Taye Diggs). Any guesses on who's singing what in the next chapter? (Alexa was right last time, wanna go two for two?)  
**


	3. NYC

**Disclaimer: **I don't even own a restaurant in Sante Fe, much less the song or musical.

**Notes: **Sorry for the semester long wait! I promise I'll upload chapters sooner in the future. (No, really- the next chapter's written and set for a next Friday release.) I took a little advice from my reviewer, tredmillmadness- I don't really appreciate flames, but in this case, you were right, if only about the opening lines- and rewrote Mark's opening lines because of their extreme defiance to the humor category. So, enjoy! Yes, I am aware that NYC and Santa Fe aren't a perfect rhyme, but, again, rhyme for storyline… (And Alexa, you were spot on again. It's a Collins/Angel duet.)

**Scene Three: NYC**

(A sign is posted on a cactus in the middle of a desert, reading: You are Here: the Middle of Nowhere. For some reason, the restaurant Collins and Angel tried to set up isn't doing so well. Even the cacti seem to be giving them the middle finger. Luckily, no one has experienced exaggerated displays of homophobia in front of them, although that may be because they haven't realized Angel's a real boy. Or maybe it's because the population of the area the settled in is zero. Collins has just explained for the millionth time that Angel is not, in fact, an illegal immigrant.)

Politician #1 (to Angel): I'm sorry, non-gender specific pronoun, but your papers just don't check out.

Angel: How so?

Politician #1: Look, next time, impersonate someone your own gender who didn't die years ago, okay?

Collins: *enters with a tray* Harbinger? *coughs* I mean, Heidegger?

Politician #1: I'm sorry, but we're going to have to deport your friend here.

Angel (like Maureen): You're going to take down the barbed wire?

Politician #1: *snaps fingers* Rats! I knew that was a bad idea!

Collins: Man, I knew we should have hitchhiked to Hawaii instead.

Angel: What's that smell?

Collins: *snaps his fingers* The tumbleweed's burning! *dashes off*

Politician #1:*glares at Angel* Alright, missy, here's the deal. There's this really annoying prairie dog that lives next door. If you drum incessantly and make it jump off a skyscraper, I'll only convict you for assisted suicide.

Angel: But Santa Fe doesn't have any skyscrapers!

(Irritated, the politician evicts them from Santa Fe.)

Collins (disgruntled): Santa Fe!

Angel: *brushes herself off* Center of the universe! *sniffs* I blame Obama!

Collins: What do we do now?

(Suddenly, Angel's drum sticks pick up a radio wave. It's the MIT virtual reality equipment self-destructing and broadcasting the words, "Ditch reality. The act's on. Get laid." A catchy tune leaks through the wave…)

Angel  
New York City…

Center of the looniverse…

Collins (grinning):

Bring it, girl!

Angel:

Times aren't pretty,

But I'm prettier, so that's a plus.

Collins:

I hear ya!

Angel:

It's a bummer to know

When you're singing the hits of show tunes

That anywhere else you are cussed and you're stoned,

But in New York City-

Expect show tunes.

Collins:

Let's start walkin'!

We'll afford it with some ghetto drumstick drummin'.

And no immigrant faked papers-

It's _New _Mexico.

The comics are our sheets-

I need to snuggle.

Angel:

*complies sexily*

Collins:

And when there's misery

In show biz, we'll be home.

Let's open up a RENT for rent in NYC.

Crummy NYC, it's our vice.

Let's open up a RENT for rent in NYC,

And screen it for the homeless and mice.

Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ho

Bo-o-o-o-o-ho-o-o-o

(They arrive in NCY after a single verse, beating Roger's record of travelling from New York to Santa Fe and back in a four-minute song.)

Angel:

We'll preach.

Collins:

Yeah, to teens!

Computer Age Pornography.

But the audience would rather watch Mimi.

Angel:

*snuggles closer*

That's their chica.

Other Travelers:

Take care, chica!

Collins:

It's a sensation to see,

Flying cows and Christmas trees.

We will take the reviewers by surprise.

You can bug a hell-bent pug.

I can cheat emporiums.

And it's Broadway, no hijacker's big crime!

Let's open up a RENT for rent in NYC.

New Yorkers:

NYC!

Collins:

We're players, we'll sing, find grandiose fame.

New Yorkers:

Rave, rave, rave…

Collins:

We'll open up a RENT for rent in NYC,

Save from extermination Broadway.

New Yorkers:

Save Broadway!

Collins and Angel:

We'll pack our show with junkies, dying

All from AIDS,

Wear coats that people rob and then sell.

We'll open up a RENT for rent in NYC,

And live this old Bohemian tale.

Boho,

Boho.

Boho,

Boho.

Collins:

Dude, we show the way

To new Broadway.

We show,

Smoking weed.

Rock operas.

Collins and Angel:

RENT…

(They find themselves standing in front of an abandoned lot in the East Village.)

Collins: Why the hell did we ever come back _here?_

Angel: You promised you'd visit my grave.

(They kiss. It's a fluff moment.)

* * *

**Little off beat, but Sante Fe kinda transcends beat anyway. I'll try to have the next chapter up in a week. It's definitely my favorite song so far. You can probably guess the pairing…**


	4. Elphie, Maureen's Me

**Disclaimer: **Sorry, I'm only renting Rent…

**Notes: **As promised, I'm back on my weekly schedule! Thanks for the reviews, I'm glad people are still reading this after the six month hiatus. It's funny, I kept writing Taye and Idina in this chapter instead of Benny and Maureen. Such a cute couple, that it almost shames me to parody it… but I couldn't resist playing with Benny and Maureen as a married couple. And it turned out to be one of my favorite chapters. Enjoy!

**Scene Four: Elphie, Maureen's Me**

(Valentine's Day, the Gershwin Theatre. As Glee proved, it's not terribly hard to break in to. Of course, everyone knows Saint Valentine was actually executed for his deeds…)

Maureen (barging in): THANK GOODNESS!

Benny: That's Kristin's song, remember?

Maureen: All I know is these modern pop songs are even more bizarre than riding a cow over the moon in Cyberland. Seriously, Poke Her Face? It's what I wanted to do after ten hours of rehearsal! Oh, and they gave me this baby as a going away gift.

Benny: Er, no, that's our s…

Maureen: Where's the "This Side Up?"

Benny: Never mind, we'll just… use it as a prop or something. Take it away. I said, TAKE IT AWAY! *the Nanny comes and takes the baby* So, ready for Wicked?

Maureen (horrified): Taye, this is T rated!

Benny: Which is why we're not doing RENT.

Maureen (under her breath): Oh, that kind of Wicked? God, we've only _scene_ it a million times…

Benny (clearing his throat): The students stare at Elphaba, horrified, as she explains… *prompts Maureen*

Maureen (shouting): Take me or leave me, baby!

Benny: For the last time, it goes from "I'm not seasick, it was Stephanie who played the Pirate Queen" to "I've always been environmentally friendly" to "Well, Popeye did always like his spinach!"

Maureen: Well, I'm sorry if that doesn't roll off my tongue!

Benny: *pouts* You know, you were a whole lot better at being green when you were pregnant!

Maureen: That was morning sickness, Taye!

Benny (frowning): Why? What's so sad about it?

Maureen: And you wonder why I want to dress up as a lesbian?

Benny: Idina!

Maureen: It's a midlife flashback!

Benny: It's a bizarre reverse sort of Mary Sue! You're a celebrity, Dee, why would you want to be a lesbian who moons the audience?

Maureen: Look, Taye, if you don't want to rent fame, you RENT it.

Benny: Then don't make a scene, do the scene!

(Grumbling, Maureen flicks on the music from her iPhone. Instead, she accidentally presses voice command, which plays her answering machine aloud.)

Answering Machine: BEEP! Er, hi Maureen, it's Roger. Er, the depressing guy who rooms with your ex-boyfriend? I'll be sure to check out your, uh… strip sky diving in protest of the full body search at the airports next time I deem to leave my apartment. Unless, of course, you're interested in a RENT reunion at the Neaderlander tonight. Oh, and bring a bra! BEEP!

(Slowly, Maureen turns to Benny, an evil gleam in her eye.)

Benny (scared to death): Somehow, I think I smell the sniff of a scheme!

Maureen: JOANNE, WHICH WAY TO THE STAGE?

Benny: We're on a perfectly good stage, and we are not going!

Maureen: Oh, come on, you know it's been over with Freddi since after the fifth break-up when I realized that Freddi was a girl's name. You're as bad as Roger!

Benny: Then I must be pretty good! Look, it's not Freddi I'm worried about.

Maureen: Oh, please, Anthony's bisexual leaning on guysexual, remember?

Benny: I don't care about Anthony!

Maureen: Well, I'd hope not, seeing as we're married.

Benny: It's Adam I'm worried about.

Maureen: Now you're jealous of subatomic particles?

Benny: He was only your lover in Aida AND Chess!

Maureen: Yeah, and I distinctly recall burying him alive in an ancient Egyptian tomb. Huh, I wonder how he's been…

Benny: Really, Oz is the only place I'm safe from him.

Maureen: You're going to Australia?

Benny: You'd be eager about that, wouldn't you?

Maureen: That is the final straw, straw man! I didn't pierce my nipples because you thought the guy who would pierce them looked too hot! I didn't stay in RENT because you thought there was no place like home! THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WOMEN IN RUBBER FLIRTING WITH ME!

Benny: Not in Wicked!

Maureen: RENT!

Benny: Wicked!

Maureen: RENT!

Benny: WICKED!

Maureen: Well, I know you are!

(The music for the next number blasts on. Only, Stagehand Number Pi and a Half got tired of listening to Wicked and forgot to take out the RENT disk from the stereo. Maureen grins wickedly, but not Wickedly. Like animal vs Animal.)

Maureen:

Every single play,

Or when I'm onscreen,

I hear people say, "Baby,

She's green!"

Ever since that '03,

Everybody's scared of me!

Boys, girls, lions, stand-ins hate me.

Well, you'll find

No one's color blind.

To be emerald,

You couldn't pay me.

Make me a lesbian.

Truly, it's RENT for me.

Fiyero, meet Joanne.

Tank it, Elphie, Maureen's me.

Tank it, Elphie, Maureen's me.

I like to be the craze

But never on a broom.

Elphaba, leave the stage

Taye, we need some room!

Who did you think I'd choose:

Hocus Pocus or cat suits?

You should get a life, not brood, now, Elphie.

So don't whine,

It's my time to shine!

Playing someone where

I get thrills.

Bye, bye, bye, Elphie!

Make me a lesbian!

Truly, it's RENT for me.

Fiyero, meet Joanne.

Tank it, Elphie, Maureen's me.

Broadway, can I be a big shot

Whose claim is a tent city lot?

Spotlights

Clash with emerald.

And every night,

Who gets seats sold?

Moo.

Who gets seats sold?

Kiss, Benny?

Benny:

It won't work, a crook and drama queen!

I'm a heartless lord, not a friend.

People piss on my street, baby,

I can't win!

Always hissed,

I'm always booed.

I hate Ben, but I love you.

What to do? It's my break through, save me!

So choose guys,

And fly in Western skies!

You've got good ties,

Don't make your demise!

You want bucks? Be Elphie!

Make me a dumb straw man.

Maureen:

A shunned troll geek.

Benny:

Who is a friendly tease!

Maureen:

A dog, a bully demented.

Benny:

And if you'd take my hand-

Maureen:

A carnival show freak.

Benny:

Take me, Elphie. Maureen, leave.

Maureen:

An asshole we rented!

Maureen and Benny:

Can it!

Benny:

The straw man has your hat!

Maureen and Benny:

Keep it!

Benny:

Oh, yes, just take it back!

Maureen and Benny:

Witches!

Maureen:

What is it about them?

Maureen and Benny:

Wicked,

With RENT or without RENT!

Make me a thespian!

Choose me a part to be!

Maureen:

And if you ditch your man-

Benny:

Just like Mark and Joanne, you never

Take me, baby!

Maureen:

Oh, make me, baby,

Make me go all green.

Maureen and Benny:

Elphie/Benny, bye, bye!

Maureen's me/she.

Guess I'm leavin'.

I'm gone!

(Maureen snaps her fingers to no avail. Benny watches, amused.)

Benny: Guess you need that broom after all, huh?

Maureen: That's it, back in the garden, straw man!

Benny: Come on, baby, don't have a cow!

Maureen: *eyes widen in inspiration* Did you say… _cow_?

* * *

**Not at all suggesting Taydina is anything less than perfect! But there's no way Benny and Maureen could be married without daily, epic diva-offs. And it's not over, except perhaps over the moon. Review while you're up there?**


	5. Another Play

**Disclaimer: **No day but today, right?

**Notes: **Since I'm going to be on vacation for a while, you get this update early! I wrote it last minute since I forgot I wasn't going to have my normal week to work on it, but I think it turned out okay. Unfortunately, because of the vacation, the next update will be rather late, maybe in two weeks, but hopefully it will be worth the wait.

**Scene Five: Another Play**

(Mimi and Roger are loitering together outside the Nederlander Theatre. Apparently, it's not as easy to break into as the Gershwin. Roger's working on his one song. Unfortunately, no one ever told him he'd have to sing more than one song in RENT…)

Mimi (whining): When I said I wanted to go out tonight, this is not what I meant!

Roger: Deal with it. We're Hungarian.

Mimi: Bohemian. We're bohemian.

Roger: Well, maybe I'm hungry.

Mimi: Humph. At least I died from a disease when I camped in Central Park rather than freezing to death outside some Broadway theatre! I mean, seriously who would perform "Million Dollar Quartet" in our sacred theatre? At least we only charged rent and made a million bucks, not vice versa.

Roger: What, you want to break dance and enter?

Mimi (suddenly ecstatic): I brought champagne to help break down the door!

Roger: But I wasn't a Brownie! I don't know how to blow up doors!

Mimi: But you brought down the house every time you performed!

Roger: *tries picking the lock with his guitar string* Nah. We'll have to wait for Spiderman.

Mimi (muttered): Trust me, you're going to me waiting a _LONG _time…

Roger: Or we could just, you know, die out here.

Mimi: That's not funny!

Roger: Shut up. I'm praying for the apocalypse.

Mimi: Oh, I'm sure they'll be here any minute.

Roger (grumbling): Yeah, 'cause you _had _to invite them here. I thought we could just, you know, go to the Life Café or something, but no…

Mimi: …something? *crinkles a mysterious packet between her fingers*

Roger: Daphne! We're on Broadway! We're held to a higher caliber of behavior than all the Lindsay Lohan's of Hollywood!

Mimi: Uh-huh. And that's why we do Hair, Spring Awakening, RENT…

Roger (groaning): Why can't you just let RENT go?

Mimi: Says the man who played Roger in five different casts!

Roger: For the chicks! *coughs* I mean, checks, for the checks!

Mimi (seductively): You can check me.

Roger: Off the list.

Mimi (wailing): THERE IS NO DAY BUT TODAY!

Roger: To recreate yesterday?

Mimi: Er… it's a present?

(In response, Roger wields his guitar, riffing angsty chords…)

Roger:

Who do you think you are?

Starring in a grossly too young part!

Little Mimi,

You are, like, forty.

You're way too old,

You know the buyers want new displays!

Take your bow, girl.

Make a scandal,

You'll be hissed, or

Perhaps mishandled!

Hell, just forswear from the spotlight,

Realize

Your end's in sight.

Try to sell, you won't fare well, you

Go to hell, ooh, I could… No!

You're past your prime.

You've run your race.

Expenditure would climb

With Mimi's songs disgraced.

We're through, no other chance

To sing a butchered play.

Looking to advance?

Go back another play.

Another play…

Mimi:

The part's for me.

And it's my turn

To gain glory

With my return.

There is no future

Without the past.

We'll make a present with

My cast!

What's all this fuss

About showbiz?

It's your duet,

So why are you so pissed?

It's such a show

With a fanbase.

They'll pay us to play.

Roger:

Accuse me of being slack,

But it's in "your eyes,"

They tell me:

You are out of whack!

No more sequels,

No romance affairs,

No duets,

Turn the spotlight off, and beware.

Long ago, you had a chance as a star.

But the choir's fed

Up with these everlasting

Stars!

The part requires

A younger face.

For sure, you're out of time.

We'd be so out of place.

It'd be so sucky, wrong.

We'd be a sad display.

You wanna sing a song?

Go back another play!

On old Broadway!

Mimi:

OBC's best!

Opening night,

We must let go

Of all stage fright.

Make intercourse,

Make love, not hate,

No way but Broadway.

(Mark and Joanne crash their bike into the Nederland while Collins and Angel swing out of the metro, hand in you-really-don't-want-to-know as Roger and Mimi prepare their epic diva-off. Everyone sides with Mimi, likely because they needed some way to make up for Rosario's lacking vocals in the movie version, and the trend stuck. Maureen's motorcycle is conspicuously absent, and Benny's range rover is nowhere in sight.)

Mimi and Others:

I'll rock and roll!

Roger:

Control the tempo!

Mimi and Others:

Guys, RENT's for me!

Roger:

Me, not Mimi!

Mimi and Others:

I'm just my role!

Roger:

Lit'rally, you stole the show.

Mimi and Others:

I'm not too old

For AZT…

Roger:

You can't rent me.

Mimi and Others:

There's blow, we'll cuss,

Not disappear.

Give us your love.

We won't adhere

To other gaffs,

To other plays.

Roger (simultaneously):

Who do you think should star?

Starring as Mimi? Then au revoir!

Little girl, nay.

You're more like forty.

Mimi:

The rage of Broadway!

Roger:

You're fired, out of my stage!

Mimi and Others:

The rage of Broadway!

Roger:

Take your bow, girl.

Make no scandal.

Mimi and Others:

The rage of Broadway!

Roger:

Go back down, you've

Gone out of style.

Get off the set!

Mimi and Others:

The rage of Broadway!

Roger:

Another line,

Another bass,

Another round performed in case!

Mimi and Others:

The rage of Broadway!

Roger:

Another glance,

Another stage,

Another chance,

In other plays!

Mimi and Others:

The rage of Broadway!

(The songs breaks off as an akita falls out of nowhere, plopping onto the pavement like Gracie and Louise did when they got the blues. The bohemians stare at it for a few seconds before…)

Roger (awkwardly): Oh, hi?

* * *

**Although I make fun of Rosario's singing in the movie, I actually think it's not that bad, especially compared to some musical to movie conversions. Just not Broadway quality. But, then again, neither is this, and you all still (hopefully) like it. Anyway, another chapter to come when I get back! Even though I'm on vacation, hopefully you stay long enough to review!**


	6. One Long Story

**Disclaimer: **I'd love it if I owned RENT, but like Mark and Roger, I'm not gonna pay rent.

**Notes: **Well, I'm back! I almost feel bad doing two Roger songs in a row, but I knew I wanted to do "One Song Glory," and it fit the plot perfectly. There are also snippets of the Tune Ups. (#3 is the lead in to One Song Glory in this.) So… hopefully you like Roger! But don't worry, almost everyone contributes to the chapter.

**Scene Six: One Long Story**

(In front of the Nederlander Theatre, six friends stand in a line, staring solemnly ahead and wondering which season it is- sunsets, coffee, diapers, or love.)

Joanne: Tell me again, why are we standing in line when we're trying to break in?

Mark: 'Cause Maureen's late with the chips.

Maureen (offstage- AKA, elsewhere): Humph. Why don't you just look on Joanne's shoulder?

Roger (sulkily): Then why we can't erect a tent city? *gestures towards Collins and Angel, who have broken formation and appear either to be having a catfight or madly making out*

Mark: We don't want to tip Benny off, do we?

Roger: *points to Mimi* She might.

Mimi: *hands on hips* Did you see me standing at his dog house door?

Roger: Oh, so that's why we have a dead akita on our hands? *gestures to dead dog at his feet*

Mark, Collins, and Angel: Evita!

Mimi: Want me to get tickets?

Joanne: At this rate, the only ticket we're getting is going to be for loitering.

(They all stare at the door, as if waiting for it to spontaneously combust.)

Mark: Well, technically, it has a "For Rent" sign on it…

(They all charge at it, pounding on it, slamming each other against it, likely doing some sexually explicit things, and saying some of those same things too.)

Roger: Ouch! Angel, how'd you blow this thing up every day in front of an audience?

Angel: Easy. I was a brownie.

Roger: Is that why Collins is always trying to eat you?

Mark: The door's padlocked!

Roger: Dude, I think we covered that last chapter.

Mark: Shut up, I'm narrating. *points to his camera* This is Roger everyone. Say hi!

Roger: *threatens to moon the camera*

Joanne: Damn it, Collins, can't you just hack into the damn lock like you did with the ATM at the Food Emporium?

Collins: I can't figure out the password.

Mark: Er… try 543…

Angel (exhilarated): Open Sesame!

(Upon hearing the password, the door spontaneously combusts. They stare at the burning remnants.)

Roger: Clearly, Benny was the last one to change the locks.

Mimi: That's funny, he never locked his door when…

Roger: *eyes bulge*

Mimi (hastily): … I stole stuff from him. Like, uh, his heart.

Collins (seeing the rising tension): Now, let's go open up a restaurant on center stage!

(They create a riot racing to the stage, which Mark captures on his camera and later sells to Alexi Darling in exchange for his soul.)

Mimi: Oh my god! That's the table I died on 5,124 times!

Angel: No, no, no, I'm fairly certain that's _my _table.

Mark: You're both wrong. That's the table I… Wait a second, what exactly I was doing under those sheets?

Roger: Not me!

Everyone: *stares*

Roger: *turns away uncomfortably*

Mimi: …so, who's for telling each other how much we love each other?

(Angel and Collins comply. Mark and Joanne fight over Mark's old footage of Maureen and end up in a Tango: Maureen. Mimi tries to stuff herself into Roger's baggage, but it turns out, the airlines have some pretty strict rules about that since 9/11. Someone decides it would be a good idea to start up the band and blows a party horn.)

Everyone: *stares*

Benny: *is riding piggy back on Mimi* Happy nude year?

Mark: How did you know we'd be here?

Benny: I had a hunch. *a beat* You're not mad?

Roger: Nah, just a bit horny.

Everyone: *more stares*

Roger ("that came out wrong"): Crap. There's a reason I only talked to my guitar for a year, you know?

Mimi (seductively): That's okay, "I Should Tell You" is really only speaking metaphorically…

Mark and Joanne: WHERE'S MAUREEN?

Benny: Still in Oz.

Mark: What the hell is she doing in Australia?

Benny: I don't know. She said she was going to fly here, but apparently Chistery was being uncooperative. So, did you get my peace offering?

Roger: *glances at Mimi, who is now on Benny's back*

Benny: You know, the dead akita?

Roger: Oh. In that case, no, I don't think anyone gets that part.

Mimi: Yeah! If you didn't want a pet, why'd you keep me for all those performances?

Benny: Damn. That was my akita? I thought it was that Dodo puppy that Maureen's been going after for years. Oh well.

Roger: Hey, since Benny the Bulldog's so fond of killing dogs, can he commit suicide instead of April?

Benny: Relax, dude. I kept approaching Mimi on our original run because I only wanted to hire her for Maureen's bachelorette party.

Roger: What? How come I wasn't invited?

Angel: PEOPLE!

(Everyone freezes and stares at him/her.)

Angel (cont'd): Is this any way to start the show? As I recall, the audience didn't find out about the intimate relations between Benny and Mimi until late Act I.

Roger (scoffing): What audience?

(Mark and Joanne's eyes widen as they upgrade their relationship to the "chum" level.)

Mark: I think I smell the whiff of a scheme…

Benny (raising hand): No, that was just me. The meatless balls didn't agree with me.

Roger (muttered): Does anyone?

Joanne (ignoring them): You know, all Broadway shows nowadays let a bootlegger or two get away for publicity…

Mark: And I don't know about boots, but I've got a camera!

Joanne: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mark: *does mental checklist* Lights, camera…

Joanne: ACTION!

Mark: Roger, Roger!

(Everyone waits.)

Mark: No, literally, Roger, come here!

Roger: Why?

Joanne: We need one great song to convince people it's worth two hundred bucks, a long line, and living broke for a month to come to our show!

Roger: But why me?

Joanne: You've seen American Idol, you should know why.

Roger: Why?

Joanne: Exactly! The only requirement to win is a Y chromosome. People will flock to RENT when they see how good of cute badboy you are! You know, after we autotune all the genuine talent out of your vocals.

Roger: But why not Angel?

Mark: *gives him a Gibb's slap* Stop being homophobic!

Roger: …what?

(He is whisked off to a table in center stage and has his guitar shoved at him. Mark powers up his camera while Joanne shouts stage directions. Mimi watches admiringly while Benny watches her admiringly. God knows where Collins and Angel are. Could be that new Shanty Town near the river or a suite at the Plaza.)

Mark: Alright, everyone, tune up!

(Mark flips his camera on and starts filming the commercial.)

Mark:

Tell the folks at home,

What you're doin' Roger!

Roger:

I'm righting one great wrong…

Mark: Wait, wait, wait….

(Everyone listens intently for a moment before hearing a lone cell phone ringing in the audience.)

Benny (sheepishly): My bad. *flips it open* Muffy, go back to Arthur! *snaps it shut*

Mark: It's okay, I had no juice in my battery.

Joanne: Reshoot!

Mark:

Tell the folks at home,

What you're doin' Roger!

Roger:

Reciting all night long,

For glory…

Mark: *rolls eyes* Now, something that doesn't remind us of Musetta's waltz.

(He flips the camera around and films himself for the introduction.)

Mark:

Closed on Broadway,

The Boheme playbill said, I quote,

"You'll watch RENT and rave

Before slitting your wrists in the bathroom…"

(The lights dim as angsty riffs start playing. Close in on Roger, playing the fender guitar he hasn't played in a year…)

Roger:

One long

Story.

One long

Three hour show.

Surely

The songs aren't worth the time…

Buy.

One long,

One cast in vain,

Story

With a pity-struck dumb man

Who wastes away in misery,

Prolonged

By this one girl on the street,

Horny

From the guys in the front row

And one dope.

My story,

Sung in some cheap colored lights,

One song,

So they can change sets.

Glory

Is another empty plight.

Crowd buys,

RENT dies!  
Sorry,

All craze is corny!  
Because we're horny!

Boring!

My story

Is a song that goes "Moo!"

Choosing herds of buyers

Over art and fame.

My one song

Is not about love

Or heat,

It's the goal of a young man

Who's dyin'.

I'm the one song,

A door to every man's soul.

Glory

I will forget.

Come on,

Live a dream no one can find?

"Your Eyes"

Took a whole year to belt out to a corpse!  
Just die…

(Like this song did. Long ago.)

Mark: … Roger, that wasn't about RENT's glory, that was all about you! Now everyone's gonna think RENT's about a crazy people who give up on glory for life!

Mimi: Well, I could always do my famous lawn chair handcuff dance to the sound of ice tea being stirred. Assuming Roger's the chair.

Joanne: Seriously, whose brilliant idea was it to have _him _advertise? No one's going to phone in for tickets now.

(The phone rings.)

Mark (narrating): The phone rings! We screen!

Voicemail: SPEAK!

Voice: Mark, it's the Wicked Witch of the West…

Mark, Joanne, and Benny: MAUREEN! *wrestle for the phone*

Voice: …Your mother.

* * *

**Hopefully, this isn't turning out to be just one long story. But I needed a transition chapter, and the Bohemians needed an audience. (Not that they don't have an awesome one here- they LOVE fanmail, AKA reviews.) Anyone else think that "One Song Glory" was Roger's song of glory and that many of the songs that get the glory aren't really the glorific ones?**


End file.
